I feel that God has pressed upon me the call to serve those who suffer, particularly the vulnerable women in our world. Despite this, I’ve done my best for the better half of the last 11 months after I heard this call trying to find a back up plan that isn’t so messy, dangerous, or scary.
I’ve felt the call to go to the corners of the world and serve these women, but truth be told, I’m scared. What if I can’t afford to pay my student loans or even have enough to live? What if God calls me some place that is dangerous? What if I can’t help everyone that I want to? What if giving my life to this mission upsets my family who wants me to be successful? What if I fail? Every time I feel certain of my call to this world all of these ‘what if’ questions get louder in my head.
Early this weekend I went on New England’s Greek Getaway retreat and in the first two hours of being there I heard God tell me that He loves me and I also felt Him ask me if I loved Him. I was overcome by God’s answer to my prayer even more so when just hours later our theme of the weekend was introduced, which was all about Jesus’ disciple Peter. We talked about Peter denying Jesus after He was taken to His death and then once Jesus rose from the dead, He asked Peter the same question I felt Him ask me. ‘Do you love me?’ My staff worker Meaghan asked me how I responded to God’s question for me and I said that I exhaustedly said ‘yeah.’ Not in a giving up sort of way, but in complete surrender.
God showed me in that moment my need to start acknowledging that I do love Him and the best way that I can show that is trusting Him with my life. God’s grace in our life is astounding. I don’t know of any other relationship in my life where I can run as far and as hard away from the person I love, yet their response every single time is to follow me screaming with every fiber of their being that they love me. But that is what God does to each of us. It dawned on me that it doesn’t show my commitment to follow Christ when He calls me to do something that I run from because I’m too afraid.
I’ve never been too keen on running anyways so I am ready to hang up my fears like an old pair of running shoes and embrace God’s call. And I will try not to run, although I may be scared. I want to live life in God’s grace and lean on him as I continue to seek opportunities to love and serve the people He has called me to.